For many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), self-esteem is a constant battle. Growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent often means living with harsh judgments, neglect, and emotional instability. As a result, many ACOAs develop a relentless inner critic that constantly tells them they’re not good enough, no matter how hard they try. This voice can follow them into adulthood, leading to feelings of inadequacy, perfectionism, and even self-sabotage. But there is a way out. With the right tools and support, you can transform your inner critic into a voice of self-compassion, and in doing so, rebuild your self-esteem.
In alcoholic families, children often internalize the critical voices of their parents. Whether it’s a parent who berates them for making mistakes or one who is emotionally absent and unresponsive, the message children receive is clear: “You’re not enough.” This message becomes embedded in the child’s self-perception, shaping their sense of worth well into adulthood. For ACOAs, this often manifests as perfectionism, an intense fear of failure, and a tendency to criticize themselves more harshly than anyone else.
Take Maya’s story from Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook. Maya grew up in a household where her father was an alcoholic and her mother was constantly overwhelmed. Her mother often criticized Maya for not doing enough to help around the house, and her father’s absence only deepened her feelings of inadequacy. As an adult, Maya became a successful architect, but despite her achievements, she always felt like an imposter. She feared that at any moment, someone would discover she wasn’t really as capable as she appeared. No matter how much she accomplished, it never felt like enough.
This inner critic is common among ACOAs. The fear of not being good enough, of not measuring up to an impossibly high standard, can be paralyzing. But it’s important to recognize that this voice is not your own—it’s the result of the emotional neglect and criticism you experienced growing up. To heal, you must learn to replace this harsh inner voice with one of compassion and understanding.
The first step in this process is to become aware of your self-talk. Pay attention to the thoughts that arise when you make a mistake or when things don’t go as planned. Are you quick to blame yourself? Do you tell yourself that you should have done better or that you’re not good enough? These are the voices of your past, not the reality of who you are now.
Maya’s journey toward self-compassion began when she started working with a therapist. Together, they explored the origins of her inner critic and how it was connected to her childhood experiences. Maya learned that her self-worth didn’t have to be tied to her accomplishments. She practiced speaking to herself with the same kindness and understanding she would offer a friend, slowly replacing the critical voice with one that encouraged and supported her.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring your mistakes or shortcomings—it means acknowledging them without judgment. It’s about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfection is part of being human. When you approach yourself with compassion, you create space for growth and healing. Instead of tearing yourself down for not being perfect, you can focus on learning and improving.
For many ACOAs, practicing self-compassion also involves letting go of perfectionism. In alcoholic families, perfectionism can be a survival mechanism. Children often believe that if they can just be good enough, they can prevent the chaos and dysfunction around them. But as adults, this need for perfection can be exhausting and harmful. It’s important to recognize that you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance.
Maya’s story illustrates the power of self-compassion. As she learned to treat herself with kindness, she began to see her self-worth in a new light. She no longer felt like she had to prove herself to others or live up to impossible standards. Instead, she allowed herself to make mistakes and learn from them without harsh judgment.
If you’re struggling with self-criticism and low self-esteem, Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook can provide you with practical tools to cultivate self-compassion and rebuild your sense of worth. Therapy can also be a valuable resource, helping you to explore the origins of your inner critic and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself.
You are enough, just as you are. Begin your journey toward self-compassion today, and watch as your self-esteem grows in ways you never thought possible.
Dr. Nada Mirnik Trtnik, psychotherapist, marital and family therapist
