If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, it’s likely that some of the emotional patterns from your childhood are still playing out in your adult relationships. Whether it’s difficulty trusting others, a fear of abandonment, or an overwhelming need to please, these patterns are often deeply rooted in the dynamics of your family of origin. But just because these patterns were shaped by your past doesn’t mean they have to define your future. With awareness and intention, you can heal the emotional wounds of your childhood and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
For many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), the emotional dynamics they experienced as children set the stage for their adult relationships. Growing up in an alcoholic household often means living in a world of uncertainty and emotional instability. As a result, many ACOAs develop coping mechanisms—such as people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or becoming emotionally distant—that may have helped them survive childhood but now sabotage their adult relationships.
Consider the story of Lucy from Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook. Lucy grew up in a home where her mother’s emotional outbursts were a constant source of anxiety. Her father, an alcoholic, was largely absent, leaving Lucy to bear the brunt of her mother’s moods. To avoid conflict, Lucy learned to be quiet and accommodating, always putting her mother’s needs ahead of her own. As an adult, Lucy found herself in relationships where she repeated these same patterns—choosing partners who were emotionally volatile and bending over backward to keep the peace.
Lucy’s story is all too common among ACOAs. The patterns we develop in childhood are powerful, and without intervention, they often continue to play out in our adult relationships. Many ACOAs find themselves attracted to partners who mirror the emotional unavailability or instability of their parents. Others may avoid intimacy altogether, fearing that getting too close to someone will only lead to pain and disappointment.
The first step in healing these patterns is to become aware of them. Take a moment to reflect on your past relationships. Do you notice any recurring themes? Perhaps you’ve been drawn to partners who are emotionally distant, or maybe you find yourself constantly trying to fix or rescue others. These patterns are not accidents—they are deeply connected to the dynamics you experienced growing up. But once you recognize them, you can begin to change them.
Lucy’s turning point came when she started working with a therapist who helped her explore the roots of her relationship patterns. Together, they uncovered how Lucy’s childhood experiences had shaped her adult choices, and they worked on developing healthier ways of relating to others. Lucy learned that she didn’t have to repeat the past—that she could create new, healthier patterns based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional availability.
Healing the emotional wounds of your childhood doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing the past. Instead, it’s about understanding how those experiences shaped you and making conscious choices to do things differently. It’s about recognizing when you’re falling into old patterns and choosing a new path—one that honors your emotional needs and fosters healthy, fulfilling relationships.
One of the most important tools in this process is setting boundaries. In alcoholic families, boundaries are often blurred or nonexistent, leaving children feeling emotionally vulnerable and unsafe. As an adult, learning to set clear boundaries can help you protect your emotional well-being and prevent you from falling into dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Boundaries allow you to communicate your needs and ensure that they are respected, creating healthier, more balanced relationships.
Lucy’s story is a powerful reminder that healing from the past is possible. By recognizing the patterns she had developed in childhood and taking steps to change them, Lucy was able to break free from the cycle of emotional turmoil that had defined her adult relationships. She learned that she didn’t have to repeat the mistakes of her parents—that she could create a new narrative for herself, one based on emotional health and self-respect.
If you find yourself reliving the emotional dynamics of your childhood in your adult relationships, Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook can help you break free from these patterns. This book offers practical tools and exercises to help you heal from the past and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Therapy can also be an invaluable resource, providing you with the guidance and support you need to navigate this journey.
Your past does not have to define your future. With the right tools and support, you can heal from the wounds of your childhood and create the relationships you deserve.
Dr. Nada Mirnik Trtnik, psychotherapist, marital and family therapist
