Growing up in an alcoholic family is a confusing and often painful experience, one that leaves lasting emotional scars. Children raised by alcoholic parents often endure chaotic and unpredictable environments, filled with emotional neglect, broken promises, and sometimes even abuse. This trauma does not simply disappear once we reach adulthood; it manifests in our relationships, our self-esteem, and our ability to trust. The good news is that healing is possible. By recognizing the trauma and understanding how it shaped us, we can take meaningful steps toward recovery.
For many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), understanding the trauma they experienced is the first step toward healing. When you grow up in an environment where a parent’s behavior is erratic and emotions are unstable, you may not fully realize how much it affected you. But as an adult, the signs often become clearer. Whether it’s difficulties in forming healthy relationships, constant self-doubt, or a fear of abandonment, these patterns can all be traced back to the instability of an alcoholic household.
Take the story of Martin, from Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook. His father was a successful restaurateur who often drank excessively to cope with stress. At first, the drinking seemed harmless—just part of the social culture—but it soon became clear that his father’s alcohol use was a way to escape his responsibilities at home. As a child, Martin learned to expect very little from his father emotionally. He grew up feeling invisible, constantly seeking approval but never receiving it. In adulthood, Martin found himself in a series of emotionally unavailable relationships, drawn to partners who mirrored his father’s neglect. It wasn’t until he began therapy that he understood the deep impact of his father’s alcoholism on his ability to connect with others.
One of the hardest truths for ACOAs to accept is that their parents’ addiction was never their fault. As children, we may internalize the belief that we were somehow responsible for our parents’ behavior, that if we had been better or tried harder, things might have been different. This belief can stay with us for years, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. But healing begins when we recognize that we were never to blame for the actions of our parents. Our parents’ addiction was their burden, not ours.
Understanding this dynamic is essential for recovery. Once we can separate ourselves from the chaos of our childhood, we begin to see how it influenced our adult lives. Many ACOAs struggle with boundaries—either setting them too rigidly or failing to set them at all—because they were never modeled healthy boundaries growing up. In alcoholic families, boundaries are often violated or ignored altogether. Children are expected to take on adult responsibilities, to care for siblings or even their parents, and to manage their own emotions without support. As adults, this can manifest as either an inability to say “no” or a fear of being vulnerable and letting others in.
Martin’s healing journey began when he started therapy and learned to set boundaries for himself. He realized that, as a child, he had been taught to prioritize his father’s needs over his own. In therapy, he practiced saying “no” and asserting his needs in relationships. It was uncomfortable at first—after all, these behaviors were entirely foreign to him—but over time, Martin began to feel more secure in himself and his relationships. He learned that he didn’t have to accept emotional neglect as the norm.
Recovery from childhood trauma, particularly trauma caused by growing up with an alcoholic parent, is a gradual process. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to confront painful memories. Many ACOAs find that working with a therapist who specializes in family dynamics or trauma can provide the support they need to navigate this journey. Therapy allows you to explore the patterns you developed in childhood and offers you tools to break free from those cycles.
The past doesn’t have to dictate your future. Just as Martin learned to create healthier relationships by understanding his childhood trauma, you too can break free from the patterns of your past. You can heal from the emotional wounds left by growing up in an alcoholic family, and you can build a life that is defined by emotional health, not emotional scars.
If you’re ready to take that step, consider reading Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook. This guide offers practical tools and insights to help you heal from the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. You don’t have to carry the burden of your past alone. Healing is possible, and it starts with understanding how deeply your childhood trauma has affected you. Therapy can also be an invaluable resource on your journey, helping you to process your emotions and develop healthier patterns.
Take control of your story, and begin your healing today.
Dr. Nada Mirnik Trtnik, psychotherapist, marital and family therapist