For adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), setting boundaries can feel like a daunting and almost impossible task. In alcoholic families, boundaries are often unclear or nonexistent, and children are frequently thrust into roles that blur the lines between parent and child. As a result, many ACOAs grow up without ever learning how to establish healthy boundaries. They may struggle to say “no,” feel responsible for others’ emotions, or have difficulty knowing where their needs end and someone else’s begin. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, know that you’re not alone—and that it’s possible to learn how to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.
When you grow up in an alcoholic household, you’re likely to experience a breakdown of normal boundaries. You may have been asked to take on adult responsibilities at a young age, like caring for siblings or even your parents. Or perhaps you were expected to keep the family’s secrets, protecting the alcoholic parent from consequences by pretending everything was fine. These dynamics are damaging because they teach you to prioritize the needs of others at the expense of your own. In adulthood, this can translate into difficulties in relationships—whether it’s staying silent when you need to speak up, or feeling guilty when you try to assert your needs.
Let’s take the story of Sonia from Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook. Sonia grew up in a home where her mother demanded obedience and control, and her father was emotionally absent, spending most of his time drinking. Sonia learned early on that in order to maintain peace, she had to accommodate her mother’s needs at all times, even when it meant sacrificing her own happiness. As an adult, Sonia struggled to set boundaries in her relationships, often agreeing to things she didn’t want to do just to avoid conflict. Whether it was staying late at work or agreeing to plans that didn’t interest her, Sonia found herself constantly feeling drained and resentful, but unsure of how to change.
The key to setting boundaries is recognizing that you have a right to your own needs and feelings. For many ACOAs, this concept feels foreign. In alcoholic families, children are often made to feel as though their emotions and desires don’t matter—or worse, that expressing them will only make things worse. But in order to heal, it’s essential to reclaim your right to have boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about protecting your emotional space and ensuring that your needs are respected.
Sonia’s turning point came when she began therapy and learned how to identify her own needs. For the first time in her life, she practiced saying “no” when she didn’t want to do something, even though it made her uncomfortable. She also learned how to communicate her feelings in a way that didn’t feel confrontational but still asserted her needs. Over time, Sonia began to feel more empowered in her relationships. She realized that setting boundaries didn’t make her selfish or unloving—it made her stronger and more capable of showing up for herself and others in a healthy way.
Setting boundaries is not just about saying “no.” It’s also about learning to let go of responsibility for others’ emotions. In alcoholic families, children often grow up feeling as though they are responsible for their parents’ happiness or sobriety. This can lead to co-dependent behaviors, where you feel the need to “fix” others or take on their problems as your own. But true healing comes from understanding that you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotional well-being but your own.
As you begin to practice setting boundaries, remember that it’s a skill that takes time to develop. You may feel guilty or anxious at first, especially if you’ve spent your whole life putting others’ needs ahead of your own. But with practice, setting boundaries will become easier, and you’ll begin to see the benefits in your relationships and overall well-being.
Sonia’s story is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to learn how to set boundaries. By establishing healthy limits, she was able to break free from the patterns of her childhood and build relationships that respected her emotional needs. You can do the same.
If you’re struggling to set boundaries in your own life, Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Self-Help Handbook offers practical advice and exercises to help you build this essential skill. Therapy can also be an important part of this journey, providing you with guidance and support as you learn to navigate your relationships in healthier ways. Remember, setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s a vital part of self-care and emotional health.
Begin your journey today, and learn how to reclaim your emotional space.
Dr. Nada Mirnik Trtnik, psychotherapist, marital and family therapist